How We Choose to Live Our Pain

I've been here in this body, with this heart, attached to this soul for a long time.
Each of these has experienced it's own version of pain, many times.
Each time can be seen (temporarily) as a horrible thing, and each time can be seen as an opportunity to grow but usually not until I have cried my heart out and suffered.

There is this innate desire to get myself out of the pain as quickly as possible.  To purge it from myself and move on quickly.
Part of that I believe is because I've never wanted pity or even sympathy to some degree.  I actually get angry when I can't be "normal" and just get the hell over things. I understand how unrealistic this is but apparently my mind thinks that I just need to move on.
I don't think that for the most part any of us are comfortable in pain.

Especially pain that isn't our own.

There is an assumption that I somehow have this amazing, special relationship with pain because of the things I have been through in my lifetime, illness as a child, a transplant, a divorce, the loss of my ability to have children, and the list goes on.
But for perspective, I have to look at the people around me to see what they have had to go through.  Some have lost beloved pets.  Some have lost their life partners or children. Some are as sick or sicker than I've ever been.  Some have depression, anxiety, and other illnesses that take over their lives.  Some came from horrific childhods, addiction, or a sorrow that I just can't fathom. Each pain is terrible for each person.

It is really easy in a world that tells us that our pain is different to think that our pain is different.
It's not. It may not be the same as the person next to you and you may not understand their pain, but you can share it.  The minute that we believe no one knows how the pain feels is the moment we've given it a power it doesn't deserve.

Part of what gets me through is the fact that I don't think (for the most part) that it just belongs to me.  My parents, my husband, my child, my friends, and the rest of my family have had to experience all of it too.  They have all had to cry with me, and pray with me, and get the scary or bad news too. The minute that I start thinking that my pain is my own I am negating what they have been through in order to be there for me, it couldn't be and still isn't easy for them to have to stand by and watch.
I know this because even the smallest of hurts to them hurts me, whether it's that they struggle to find a part of themselves,  issues with their jobs or relationships, or just daily life. 

Pain and suffering are never a choice but sharing it is.  And it's not easy, you don't want to be a burden, you don't want to bring other people down, or you don't want to be seen as weak.
But I've found that there are times when sharing my pain with the right people can inspire them to share their own and then that conversation becomes about something we share and not just about me.
Other times sharing my pain allows good friends to call me on feeling sorry for myself or good friends to express solutions that I couldn't see for myself.


Pain is a reality for all of us and it will change us. Whether we want it too or not it will make us someone that we weren't before.
How it grows is completely up to us, we can allow it to make us bitter and angry and hurt or we can use it to build something strong, and solid, and maybe even beautiful.

Don't live with your pain, live in it and be better because of it.

K

I chose not to live wounded. I chose to live healed.

It took me long enough...

So I've spent a lot of time sharing my feelings about my illness, what it's cost me, what it has given me, and how I feel about it.  I've written in journals and talked to therapists about it and I've run the gambit as far as being constructive and pushing myself to be ok in situations that quite honestly rarely are.
So I decided that writing about it for others to see and hear would be a way for me to get out the frustration and rage and sadness that sometimes just overwhelms me.
Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing support system, I am loved beyond measure, and I am blessed beyond reason.  However, like any human being I have my limits.  There are days when I wake up and the first thought I have is that I just can't get up, followed by a list of reasons as to why I should.
I always feel like I'm convincing myself that I should be grateful that I'm still here, but let's be honest, sometimes I don't feel lucky.
Whether it's because that day I'm in pain, or nauseous, or exhausted, or that day I have to go for tests, or to the doctor, or to stay in the hospital, I don't always feel blessed and lucky.
On the other hand there are days when I wake up and feel almost good, I have a good hair day I'm NOT in pain, I'm NOT sick, and I feel like I'm at my best.
I'm still in the process of figuring out how to be my best self all the time, and not depending on having my body's permission.
This new blog is to share the good, the bad, more good, and more bad. 
Maybe I can be an example to others, not to encourage better wellness plans and not to tell anyone what they should do with their chronic illness or their life, but for them to know that whoever they are and whatever they are feeling.  It's ok.
To let them know that closing the door to their room and crying themselves to sleep is ok.
That being frustrated with their lazy teenager because he's healthy and doesn't want to go outside when you would kill to, is normal.
That telling people to please stop asking questions and making suggestions on how to "get better" is at times going to save your sanity.
That when they fall down in their health on purpose by smoking a cigarette, or going out all night, or eating the wrong things, is just fine because people that aren't sick do it all the time and we are human, just like them.
I don't know who will read this or if anyone will want to.
But I know that I will write it to keep myself sane, to vent to those that want to listen, and to let everyone know that it's not beating me.
This stupid, ridiculous, at times all consuming monster of illness can just piss off because even when I'm not stronger than it is, I'm still winning.

Kris

"I refuse to live wounded. I chose to live healed."