So I've spent a lot of time sharing my feelings about my illness, what it's cost me, what it has given me, and how I feel about it. I've written in journals and talked to therapists about it and I've run the gambit as far as being constructive and pushing myself to be ok in situations that quite honestly rarely are.
So I decided that writing about it for others to see and hear would be a way for me to get out the frustration and rage and sadness that sometimes just overwhelms me.
Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing support system, I am loved beyond measure, and I am blessed beyond reason. However, like any human being I have my limits. There are days when I wake up and the first thought I have is that I just can't get up, followed by a list of reasons as to why I should.
I always feel like I'm convincing myself that I should be grateful that I'm still here, but let's be honest, sometimes I don't feel lucky.
Whether it's because that day I'm in pain, or nauseous, or exhausted, or that day I have to go for tests, or to the doctor, or to stay in the hospital, I don't always feel blessed and lucky.
On the other hand there are days when I wake up and feel almost good, I have a good hair day I'm NOT in pain, I'm NOT sick, and I feel like I'm at my best.
I'm still in the process of figuring out how to be my best self all the time, and not depending on having my body's permission.
This new blog is to share the good, the bad, more good, and more bad.
Maybe I can be an example to others, not to encourage better wellness plans and not to tell anyone what they should do with their chronic illness or their life, but for them to know that whoever they are and whatever they are feeling. It's ok.
To let them know that closing the door to their room and crying themselves to sleep is ok.
That being frustrated with their lazy teenager because he's healthy and doesn't want to go outside when you would kill to, is normal.
That telling people to please stop asking questions and making suggestions on how to "get better" is at times going to save your sanity.
That when they fall down in their health on purpose by smoking a cigarette, or going out all night, or eating the wrong things, is just fine because people that aren't sick do it all the time and we are human, just like them.
I don't know who will read this or if anyone will want to.
But I know that I will write it to keep myself sane, to vent to those that want to listen, and to let everyone know that it's not beating me.
This stupid, ridiculous, at times all consuming monster of illness can just piss off because even when I'm not stronger than it is, I'm still winning.
Kris
"I refuse to live wounded. I chose to live healed."
